I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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