I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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