i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
