you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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