I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Randomize
