first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Please don't give away my fajitas
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
