I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
