A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
