The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
