Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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