It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
