there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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