I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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