I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
where are you?
Hypothermia
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
this is an emotional support booty call
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
