I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
