He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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