There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
