Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
