He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
what day is it and did you see me today?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm like, not good at living.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
