The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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