all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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