I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize