Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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