I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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