Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
