I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
