i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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