census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
