For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
