I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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