Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
