there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
