it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize