Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
