turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize