She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
3pm strippers are depressing
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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