It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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