I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
