I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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