Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
