The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
