btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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