I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
