dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
