I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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