Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
