True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
