Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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