fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
