There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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