Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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