I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
