does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
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