I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
