i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
