I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
i think i just lost a toe
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
