i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
This girl is more easily done than said...
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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