just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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