I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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